All I want to do is leave
And all I want to be is asleep.
Thoughts seem to complicated to form- I am existing in a jell-o stream of consciousness, my mind barely able to hold its form.
I tell myself
Hold fast,
suck it up
you'll love again.
You'll get yourself together one way or another.
My voice echoes off of the hot walls- my eyes give me away.
I
am
a
liar.
A farce.
I sleep in a heap of uncertainty.
Throw shit around to create activity in an otherwise placid day-
O, the joy of an activity!
A shell, found on the beach of some disgusting tourist town (it used to be something different, it used to be fun).
What slipped out from in between, leaving me halved and hardened?
Oh this life, Oh, this day.
Life, fill my day- death has taken its stale turn.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Awkwardness- Coffee Shop Style
I saw you at the coffee shop today. We talked and exchanged a few nice words, like neighbors do.
[If your house burned down, I would stand across the street- watching it burn with you. Maybe I would give you some furniture and maybe I would let you crash on my sofa].
-I feel a bit like an expensive insurance company-
Maybe it's a simple "hello" and "how are you" from your perspective- all is well and you go about your day- not a second thought given to the girl eating the bagel and drinking the orange juice.
But when I see you, I see red. I think red. I see your living room. My regret. The pain I went through that just numbed you to the point of absence.
What a big, festering, bloody mess we made.
You were important. I was important. You were a rebound. I was the same.
We are not friends. Don't even try to pretend.
"You look angry" you say to me now.
"I am just FINE" -most obvious lie. Ever.
I am. I am angry. I am hurt. I am broken.
We aren't friends anymore, kid.
Neighbors. That's how we know each other.
A wave on our way to work.
Someday, I will need to borrow a cup of sugar, can I call you?
[If your house burned down, I would stand across the street- watching it burn with you. Maybe I would give you some furniture and maybe I would let you crash on my sofa].
-I feel a bit like an expensive insurance company-
Maybe it's a simple "hello" and "how are you" from your perspective- all is well and you go about your day- not a second thought given to the girl eating the bagel and drinking the orange juice.
But when I see you, I see red. I think red. I see your living room. My regret. The pain I went through that just numbed you to the point of absence.
What a big, festering, bloody mess we made.
You were important. I was important. You were a rebound. I was the same.
We are not friends. Don't even try to pretend.
"You look angry" you say to me now.
"I am just FINE" -most obvious lie. Ever.
I am. I am angry. I am hurt. I am broken.
We aren't friends anymore, kid.
Neighbors. That's how we know each other.
A wave on our way to work.
Someday, I will need to borrow a cup of sugar, can I call you?
Cover Ups
I recently had a tattoo covered up. The tattoo that I had covered was a symbol of my marriage- it was a sparrow carrying wedding rings. I got it when I was 19 years old to celebrate my engagement. It cost $75, is about 8" from wing to wing, and was done in the shadiest tattoo joint I have ever stepped into in the North Georgia mountains. I almost passed out when I got it, and I almost immediately regretted it. Even though I was about to get married, the tattoo just seemed too...permanent.
When I told my friends about my plan to cover it up, they were split almost 50/50 (not that others' opinions have EVER made me think twice about a decision that I feel strongly about). Some said it was too soon, and that I should wait until everything was final to cover it. Others thought that it was a good idea and some suggested that I should make it funny. I decided to wait a bit AND not do anything as a joke. Joke tattoos are best reserved for drunken frat boys anyway.
The truth is- it is a shitty tattoo, with colors that I HATE (pink, teal, blue). It reminds me a lot of an airbrushed Spring Break '98 t-shirt. And no one wants to wear their senior year t-shirt forever.
When I told my friends about my plan to cover it up, they were split almost 50/50 (not that others' opinions have EVER made me think twice about a decision that I feel strongly about). Some said it was too soon, and that I should wait until everything was final to cover it. Others thought that it was a good idea and some suggested that I should make it funny. I decided to wait a bit AND not do anything as a joke. Joke tattoos are best reserved for drunken frat boys anyway.
The truth is- it is a shitty tattoo, with colors that I HATE (pink, teal, blue). It reminds me a lot of an airbrushed Spring Break '98 t-shirt. And no one wants to wear their senior year t-shirt forever.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Breakin' Up is hard to Doooooooo-ooo
I recently met this girl who is going through a very drawn out break up. She is completely losing her mind over it. She has posted on social networks pleas for his love, quoted sad song lyrics as Facebook updates, stays in more nights than she goes out. So much of me wants to shake her by the shoulders and make her realize that this is NOT the end of her world, and that things will eventually be okay- if not better. But, I have realized that would be very hypocritical of me. There was a time in my not so distant past that I felt like my life would be over without a particular someone in it. Basically, I've been there. We have ALL been there.
Another person I met recently I know only as "Hobo Fucci" (pronounced "foochee"). Last year, his wife cheated on him and left him, and they are currently in a custody battle over their dog [ for the record, Hobo Fucci TOTALLY deserves the damn thing. He cooks her a breakfast consisting of eggs, sausage, and toast every Sunday. I think anyone willing to get up early just for breakfast with a dog should have dog-custody]. Anyway, Hobo Fucci was the saddest guy I have ever met. His words were full of "Whatevers" and "she was a bitch," but his eyes betrayed him. It was very difficult to hold his gaze most of the time because you could almost feel his pain.
Then, there's my story. After being with one guy for seven years, I immediately immersed myself in the life of someone else. I dealt with my pain and shame by essentially ignoring it and creating another mess. I became friends with his friends, picked out his furniture, and boy, did I fall hard. Only fools rush in, right? Now things with this guy are sort of messy at best, and at worst they're really awkward. Instead of dealing with my shit, I created more shit, and pretty soon there was a shit storm. Most days, I feel really embarrassed about the way I acted with him, and made drama where there needn't be any.
So, why do we do these things to ourselves? Whether it is jumping from relationship to relationship, lying to complete strangers about your readiness to move on, or pouring your broken heart out in front of hundreds of your "closest" Facebook friends, what makes us so insane? What makes us so inconsolable? And why do we all need to go through our own stuff to realize our own foolishness?
CS Lewis said,
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken."
So, unless you love nothing and no one, you will certainly have pain in this life.
I sat here for ten minutes trying to think of an eloquent way to put my feelings on this subject into words, and the only think I can think of to say is that it sucks. The one human experience that we all share is the thing that was surely break up.
Unfortunately, though, there is no formula for avoiding heartache. I wish I could look people in the eye and say, "Do this. Drink this, and do a somersault, and you will avoid all emotional baggage." But life is rarely that simple. Every person has and needs to figure things out on their own. If I needed to feed my dog home cooked meals on a regular basis to feel better about my life falling apart, I would do that. If I needed to tweet about my tears to get over them, you better believe that's what I would be doing. But those things just don't feel right to me. What heals me and what heals you will always look a little different- that's what makes things so beautiful.
So, I may not know a sure fire way that works for everyone's brokenness. There is no x + y= z way out of things. What I can do, though, is get myself right so that I can be close enough to others to know what THEY need. I guess that's the whole point anyway, right? You WILL get hurt if you are a human being. You WILL cause hurt if you are a human being. We just all need to learn to deal.
Another person I met recently I know only as "Hobo Fucci" (pronounced "foochee"). Last year, his wife cheated on him and left him, and they are currently in a custody battle over their dog [ for the record, Hobo Fucci TOTALLY deserves the damn thing. He cooks her a breakfast consisting of eggs, sausage, and toast every Sunday. I think anyone willing to get up early just for breakfast with a dog should have dog-custody]. Anyway, Hobo Fucci was the saddest guy I have ever met. His words were full of "Whatevers" and "she was a bitch," but his eyes betrayed him. It was very difficult to hold his gaze most of the time because you could almost feel his pain.
Then, there's my story. After being with one guy for seven years, I immediately immersed myself in the life of someone else. I dealt with my pain and shame by essentially ignoring it and creating another mess. I became friends with his friends, picked out his furniture, and boy, did I fall hard. Only fools rush in, right? Now things with this guy are sort of messy at best, and at worst they're really awkward. Instead of dealing with my shit, I created more shit, and pretty soon there was a shit storm. Most days, I feel really embarrassed about the way I acted with him, and made drama where there needn't be any.
So, why do we do these things to ourselves? Whether it is jumping from relationship to relationship, lying to complete strangers about your readiness to move on, or pouring your broken heart out in front of hundreds of your "closest" Facebook friends, what makes us so insane? What makes us so inconsolable? And why do we all need to go through our own stuff to realize our own foolishness?
CS Lewis said,
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken."
So, unless you love nothing and no one, you will certainly have pain in this life.
I sat here for ten minutes trying to think of an eloquent way to put my feelings on this subject into words, and the only think I can think of to say is that it sucks. The one human experience that we all share is the thing that was surely break up.
Unfortunately, though, there is no formula for avoiding heartache. I wish I could look people in the eye and say, "Do this. Drink this, and do a somersault, and you will avoid all emotional baggage." But life is rarely that simple. Every person has and needs to figure things out on their own. If I needed to feed my dog home cooked meals on a regular basis to feel better about my life falling apart, I would do that. If I needed to tweet about my tears to get over them, you better believe that's what I would be doing. But those things just don't feel right to me. What heals me and what heals you will always look a little different- that's what makes things so beautiful.
So, I may not know a sure fire way that works for everyone's brokenness. There is no x + y= z way out of things. What I can do, though, is get myself right so that I can be close enough to others to know what THEY need. I guess that's the whole point anyway, right? You WILL get hurt if you are a human being. You WILL cause hurt if you are a human being. We just all need to learn to deal.
Weird, Nervous me.
I went to a show alone. While driving there, I got lost- and I have been to this venue 20+ times. I parked a few blocks away even though the parking lot was empty, and it took me 10 minutes to get out of the car. I don't understand, really, why I as so nervous. Going to a show all by my lonesome was on my "2011 list of goals," so why was it so difficult? This (of course) got me to thinking...
I guess it's because I put myself out there. It wasn't the music or the place. It was the lingering feeling that I could somehow be rejected. Maybe people would talk about me like I was a weirdo:
"Why is that girl alone? Gosh, she must not have any friends. Who does that??"
The funny thing, is, though, that didn't happen. I had a good time, and the band was decent enough to see again. If I felt awkward, it was only my own insecurities that made me so. I think, also, that maybe everyone should try to do something that scares them (side note: I am aware that phrase may be used for a cheesy bumper sticker, but it's all I could think of). If you live your life only doing things that are comfortable, then your life can be boring. And who really wants that?
So my minuscule "adventure" taught me this: I enjoy taking risks. So, I will be more direct. If I want to do something, say something, wear something, damn it, I am going to. I will do things that scare me if it is something I genuinely want to experience.
So...what scares me? Sharks, for one. But I don't live near the ocean, so sharks are not really a big deal for me right now. Other than sharks (they have sharp teeth, superior senses, and can swim WAY faster than us, by the way), I suppose the thing that scares me the most is being alone. I am a very emotional person, and sometimes I feel like I don't experience things unless I share them with someone. Almost like it's not real or didn't happen if I can't be like, "Hey, remember when we ______? That was ______." The problem is, though, I don't want to NEED other people to experience things.
I also don't want to isolate myself just for the sake of being alone, because that seems a little to reactionary and dangerous. What I will do, though, is do things even if I have to do them alone. I need to be okay with being by myself from time to time, and hopefully the times I spend with others will be even sweeter.
My friend Athena said the other night (Valentine's Day), that she was completely okay with being single. I tried to agree and say that I was too, but I guess it's going to take some time. Athena inspires me!
I guess it's because I put myself out there. It wasn't the music or the place. It was the lingering feeling that I could somehow be rejected. Maybe people would talk about me like I was a weirdo:
"Why is that girl alone? Gosh, she must not have any friends. Who does that??"
The funny thing, is, though, that didn't happen. I had a good time, and the band was decent enough to see again. If I felt awkward, it was only my own insecurities that made me so. I think, also, that maybe everyone should try to do something that scares them (side note: I am aware that phrase may be used for a cheesy bumper sticker, but it's all I could think of). If you live your life only doing things that are comfortable, then your life can be boring. And who really wants that?
So my minuscule "adventure" taught me this: I enjoy taking risks. So, I will be more direct. If I want to do something, say something, wear something, damn it, I am going to. I will do things that scare me if it is something I genuinely want to experience.
So...what scares me? Sharks, for one. But I don't live near the ocean, so sharks are not really a big deal for me right now. Other than sharks (they have sharp teeth, superior senses, and can swim WAY faster than us, by the way), I suppose the thing that scares me the most is being alone. I am a very emotional person, and sometimes I feel like I don't experience things unless I share them with someone. Almost like it's not real or didn't happen if I can't be like, "Hey, remember when we ______? That was ______." The problem is, though, I don't want to NEED other people to experience things.
I also don't want to isolate myself just for the sake of being alone, because that seems a little to reactionary and dangerous. What I will do, though, is do things even if I have to do them alone. I need to be okay with being by myself from time to time, and hopefully the times I spend with others will be even sweeter.
My friend Athena said the other night (Valentine's Day), that she was completely okay with being single. I tried to agree and say that I was too, but I guess it's going to take some time. Athena inspires me!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Snipe Hunting
When I was younger, my mom and aunts would take us out to fields and go snipe hunting. It is a basic enough concept. Snipes are birds that run really quickly and can't fly. They run away from loud noises and are virtually undetectable to the naked eye (which is why it is so important to have an experienced adult with you at all times). I remember taking hours out of our days to hunt in the fields around our Granny's house with my cousins. Although none of us had ever seen an actual snipe, we all KNEW that one day we would catch one. We were an army of one, with a singular mission: to capture the illusive snipe. After years of running around like fools, we came to the consensus that snipes don't exist (technically, they DID, but we extinct for about a century). Eventually, snipe hunting felt less like a mission and more like a con.
So why am I writing this?
Recently, I feel like my life has been a snipe hunt. I feel like someone said "Hey, if you run through this field, you will figure your life out. Trust me." I seem to be trying different ways of "catching" myself, so to speak. Even this whole project of trying different activities every month seems like it could end up being just another tour around the cornfield. I don't want it to be that way, so maybe I can just decide that instead of trying to find myself, I will try to find things that myself likes (what the HELL does finding yourself really mean, anyway?).
Just some thoughts for this rainy day. I will probably conclude this tonight.
So why am I writing this?
Recently, I feel like my life has been a snipe hunt. I feel like someone said "Hey, if you run through this field, you will figure your life out. Trust me." I seem to be trying different ways of "catching" myself, so to speak. Even this whole project of trying different activities every month seems like it could end up being just another tour around the cornfield. I don't want it to be that way, so maybe I can just decide that instead of trying to find myself, I will try to find things that myself likes (what the HELL does finding yourself really mean, anyway?).
Just some thoughts for this rainy day. I will probably conclude this tonight.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Running.
Okay. Two weeks into the running thing, and I am super bored of it. This past week has been a bit weird health wise for me, so I have not been running as regularly as I would like, but by Friday AM, i should be hitting the pavement again (that's a phrase, right?).
Needless to say, I have had a lot of time to think about what my next activity will be. I am thinking something with a LITTLE less of an impact. I saw a sign for Tai Chi in a coffee shop. Maybe I will give that a shot. I wonder if I will be the only one under 55 years old. For now though, I need to get to work. Maybe this weekend I will have time to work on the blog for longer than 5 minutes.
What a crazy couple of weeks these have been! I am SO ready for a day off where I don't feel like just sleeping the entire day. I took a 5 hour "nap" yesterday.
Needless to say, I have had a lot of time to think about what my next activity will be. I am thinking something with a LITTLE less of an impact. I saw a sign for Tai Chi in a coffee shop. Maybe I will give that a shot. I wonder if I will be the only one under 55 years old. For now though, I need to get to work. Maybe this weekend I will have time to work on the blog for longer than 5 minutes.
What a crazy couple of weeks these have been! I am SO ready for a day off where I don't feel like just sleeping the entire day. I took a 5 hour "nap" yesterday.
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